Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Gay?
German.
Pity.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
