I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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