epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
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