i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
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