you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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