Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Randomize