do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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