normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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