so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Found your dick twin last night
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Randomize
