can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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