you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
How does one acquire holy water?
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
