if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
