It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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