it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize