Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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