Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
