You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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