happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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