I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
He called his prostate his "boner button".
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize