my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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