I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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