i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Randomize
