apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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