I wish I could teleport
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
