If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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