i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
