: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Randomize
