Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
