Little spoons don't ask big questions
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
