yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
Randomize
