Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
