I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
Randomize
