I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
