remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
I wish there were birth control emojis
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Randomize
