i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
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