the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Dear god my vagina.
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