She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Randomize
