ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
