When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
