come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Randomize
