im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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