we have pet lesbian snakes
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
