You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
