nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
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