I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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