I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
NoShamevember. You game?
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Randomize
