just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
