I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
