I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
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