he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Randomize
