Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
I feel like a drive thru vagina
not ubering you a puppy
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
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