The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
