I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize