is wine microwaveable?
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
