singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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