the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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