I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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