What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Randomize
